How To: Realize You Are Stuck In Your Early 20’s

by Shannon

You open the cupboard for a snack, but all you have is alcohol of every kind.

How To: Be A Very Bad Wifey

by Shannon

Give a guy your actual phone number in exchange for a bite of his churro on a Saturday night.

How To: Make Schnitzel (Kind Of)

by Shannon

The other night I was at my brother-in-law’s, and his German girlfriend made us schnitzel for dinner. I point out that she’s German because I feel, in a somewhat racisty sort of way I guess? that this makes her an expert on making schnitzel. It’s cool though, we’re friends.

It being 9:30 p.m. and having not yet had dinner after donating blood, my hungry husband decided that this was the perfect time for me to make it. Well wasn’t that nice of him.

This was my attempt:

Step One: Assemble all ingredients so it looks like I’m on a cooking show. It’s very impractical, but Ooh, look at my fancy spice jars that are old sauce jars! Aah, look at my eggs all pre-cracked! The chocolate milk wasn’t part of the recipe, I just really like chocolate milk and was thirsty. Bonus! It’s on sale at Metro for only $1.

Step Two: Shake out a bunch of bread crumbs onto a little plate, along with some parmesan and, I don’t know, oregano? The green spice in your cupboard will do nicely. Mix some eggs in a bowl. Drink some chocolate milk.

Step Three: Take your pork and cover it with the egg, then lay it on the crumb plate. Flip ‘er over and throw it in a pan with oil. Oh yeah, and put oil in a pan and heat it up.

Step Four: Just watch it cook, flip it, and eat it when it’s at that perfect, ‘tender-but-won’t-give-you-food-poisoning’ level.

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How To: Make Your Own Sushi

by Rachel

Although worth every penny, all you can eat sushi is pretty darn expensive… and little do many people know, it’s pretty easy to make! So get some friends together and make it a party.

All you need to do is…

Buy all the stuff!

Smear the rice

Put in your fillings

Roll it up tight

Slice it

Enjoy!

 

 

Photo 1: Buy all the stuff! Sticky rice, roasted seaweed, soy sauce, cucumber, avocado, mango, beef, smoked salmon, crab etc. Whatever you want! Don’t like fish eggs? Don’t buy ’em…

Photo 2: Cook the rice as directed. It should be a wet, sticky consistency. Smear it on the seaweed, and make sure to leave about a half an inch at the edge so when it gets rolled the edge can stick the roll closed.

Photo 3: Put whatever fillings you want! One time, I put sausage, cheese and pickles… not as bad as it sounds.

Photo 4: Roll it towards the empty edge of seaweed! Again, that half inch edge will stick to the outside of the roll to keep it nice and tightly rolled.

Photo 5: Slice it up into delicious bite sized pieces.

Photo 6: Enjoy the heck out of your delicious, homemade sushi, and the money you saved making it. Remember, a little goes a LONG way when making sushi, but also, you can NEVER have too much sushi.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.

How To: Increase Your Appetite

by Shannon

Oversmell someone BBQing burgers. You know you want ’em.

How To: Sprain Your Ankle

by Shannon

Fall down because you’re pretending you can’t walk anymore because you’re so hungry because someone scheduled two meetings during your regular lunchtime.

How To: Eat Delicious Food

by Shannon

It’s 7:30 and you haven’t eaten dinner yet. Everything is delicious.

How To: Lose Weight

by Shannon

Dismiss all food around you because it’s nowhere near as good as the all-you-can-eat sushi you’re having tonight.