Mess with their toaster settings.
Just drink heavily throughout the nights.
You’d like a sip of your wine but then you’d have to get up and reach for it instead of lying prostrate on your couch.
Just look at a photo of yourself wearing short-shorts. You’ll go.
Fall down because you’re pretending you can’t walk anymore because you’re so hungry because someone scheduled two meetings during your regular lunchtime.
Lie about it and tell everyone you went to all the best bars and were fine with paying $15 for your neighborhood bar that is normally empty and you were sooooo drunk, when really, you just drank at home and watched Seinfeld reruns.
You come home to find your husband has set the table, and you’re all like, This looks alien to me.
Catch a cold that requires you to blow your nose a lot. You will develop that nice, rosy kind that old men who have been drinking steadily for 70 years get.
Bonus: Having a foggy brain and moving slowly only aid in the ruse that you had vodka with your cereal instead of milk, today.