How To: Really, Really Piss Someone Off

by Shannon

Mess with their toaster settings.

How To: Get Through Those Tough Days

by Shannon

Just drink heavily throughout the nights.

How To: Really Gauge That You’re Out Of Shape

by Shannon

You’d like a sip of your wine but then you’d have to get up and reach for it instead of lying prostrate on your couch.

How To: Go To The Gym

by Shannon

Just look at a photo of yourself wearing short-shorts. You’ll go.

How To: Sprain Your Ankle

by Shannon

Fall down because you’re pretending you can’t walk anymore because you’re so hungry because someone scheduled two meetings during your regular lunchtime.

How To: Have Too Much Of A Good Thing

by Shannon

Pizza. It’s always damn pizza.

How To: Have A Great St. Patrick’s Day

by Shannon

Lie about it and tell everyone you went to all the best bars and were fine with paying $15 for your neighborhood bar that is normally empty and you were sooooo drunk, when really, you just drank at home and watched Seinfeld reruns.

How To: Realize You Need To Stop Watching TV

by Shannon

You come home to find your husband has set the table, and you’re all like, This looks alien to me.

How To: Look Like An Alcoholic (Without Actually Being One)

by Shannon

Catch a cold that requires you to blow your nose a lot. You will develop that nice, rosy kind that old men who have been drinking steadily for 70 years get.

Bonus: Having a foggy brain and moving slowly only aid in the ruse that you had vodka with your cereal instead of milk, today.

How To: Tell Daylight Saving Time Has Happened

by Shannon

You wake up in the middle of the night to an emergency phone call, only to realize it’s actually your alarm, even though it looks like 3 a.m. outside. Also, it’s raining!