The Average Girl's "How To" Guide

Advice on how to live a well-balanced lifestyle

How To: Get Keanu Reeves To Notice You

by Shannon

In Step Two of my conquest to get Keanu Reeves to talk to me (Step One was the song I wrote about him in high school), I recently published an article on Huffington Post. You can click this link to the read the article and contribute to my views here.

Now, the article itself is not exactly about Keanu Reeves, but it does mention him. I’m hoping he Googles himself to the point where he sees this, and asks for my hand in friendship, which I am willing to provide.

(Oh yeah. The actual article is about how exhausting it can be to be inspired to follow your dreams, and how sometimes you just want to sit on the couch, and yo, that is totally okay, and you should not have to feel bad about that, okay?)

I, Keanu, take thee Shannon…

How To: Take Things To The Next Level

by Shannon

Fake mustaches, man. They work for pretty much everything.

Example: Last night I was set to play a pretty intense game of Diplomacy, which is basically Risk, but with a 100 per cent greater chance of ruining friendships.

Now, the game on its own would already be fun. But you know what made it more fun?

Fake mustaches.

Not only will you look pretty sexy, but you will definitely weed out which of your friends are cool, and which ones refuse to put on a fake mustache. (Which means you should borrow money from them, and then immediately stop being their friend.)

I will say, as a woman, when you put a mustache on, you find out a lot of things about yourself. – Carrie Brownstein

How To: Be a Lazy Cleaner, and Potentially Ruin Your Vacuum

by Rachel

It sounds like those two words don’t belong together: lazy and cleaner, but sometimes, if I see a bobby pin, or a small paperclip, or an elastic, I just vacuum it up instead of picking it up and putting it away.

How To: Avoid the Hassle of Showering

by Rachel

My dry shampoo be working haaaaaaaard today. I’m talking ‘double overtime, deserves a raise and a stiff drink at the end of the day’ hard.

Hard.

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Thanks cake.

How To: Become An Internet Sensation

by Shannon

I highly recommend choreographing a kick-ass dance to Matt & Kim’s “It’s Alright,” and then posting it to YouTube. Let the internet dollars start rolling in!

How To: Feel Uncomfortable

by Rachel

Watching early Harry Potter movies makes me feel uncomfortable because I am so attracted to Daniel Radcliffe now.

We’re baaaaaaaaack!

How To: Feel Like A Real Human Being (Finally)

by Shannon

This summer was the summer of being selfish. I did what I want, when I wanted to, and I did it with ease. Before you condemn me, however, it was selfish in a good way, a healthy way.

I met my now-husband in first year university, and after graduating, I went right into more school, and then an internship, and then a job. I’ve always been responsible in that sense. And it’s really boring.

So this summer, I said eff this shiz and explored. I went to New York with my best friend – multiple times. I went on a road trip to the middle of nowhere, I went to concerts, I didn’t clean my apartment, and I let my hair get really tangly. It felt amazing. And part of me really wishes I could live like that forever.

But my plants kind of started dying this summer. I never did iron that shirt I really like, it’s still sitting in the spare room, waiting for me. I didn’t buy new headphones like I wanted, and I just basically didn’t get a lot done.

This past week, I’ve been a grown-up. I’m cleaning, I’m spending more time working, and I went for a (very, very short) run this morning. And that feels good too.

Finding that balance between being a responsible adult, and someone who does not suck is really hard. And there will still be days when I blow caution to the wind and hop on a plane somewhere, or I just decide to be a huge lazy bum and do dick-all. But hopefully I can balance that with getting my shit done as well. So the better I work at that… you know… the better.

How To: Avoid Dating

by Shannon

If there’s one thing I’ve noticed lately, in an overarching general and unscientific sense, it’s that single guys are basically women.

Now, when I say “women,” I mean in all the stereotypical senses of the word, so don’t go getting all offended on me ladies, because this is the internet, and I can be sarcastic if I want.

These guys – I swear, they’re having their periods every single day. They’re whining, they’re moody, they’re angsty, they’re happy and fun one minute, and shooting you mad side-eye the next, sending you texts that you can’t figure out if they hate you or if they’re just upset that even their fat jeans are a bit snug.

Come on, guys. No wonder you’re single! You’re acting like women. So even if you do get a girlfriend, she’s probably a lesbian, and she’s attracted to you because you like the same flavour of Ben and Jerry’s and share the same moisturizer.

Shape up, men. Go chop down a tree or something, and come home all sweaty. And stop crying, for the love of pete.

(That’s my job, and it’s because I was thinking about how sad the song lyrics are in Tiny Dancer and then I realized that no matter what, I’ll never be a dancer now.)

I’m looking for a hard-headed woman. I mean, man.

How To: Get Supremely Day Drunk in NYC

by Rachel

This is a good and very easy how to guys.

First, go to this restaurant, somewhere near Little Italy, I don’t even know. But I do know, they have the best Sangria I have ever tasted. Ask for it special because for some reason its not on the menu. A pitcher is best.

After this, walk on down to Bowery street and hit Paulaner Brewery. Interesting fact, its the only Paulaner brewery in the states and they have a genuine German Brew master who apprenticed at the Paulaner Brewery in Munich. He’ll make beer in front of your eyes, and he’s super friendly. Isn’t that special? Anyways, in NYC, you will soon learn they have amazing happy hour deals. Its almost worth moving there. Its actually 100% worth moving there. At Paulaner, its 2 for 1 drinks from noon to 6 on Fridays and Saturdays specifically. So, we opted for the litre stein. There were three of us, only two were drinking. We each wanted a different flavour, but our lovely, attractive, Australian with a man bun bartender misunderstood, or we miscommunicated, and he brought us three of one kind of beer, thinking we all wanted a second round of the other kind. What he must have thought of us, I do not know. Some people would be annoyed, but we couldn’t have been happier. Or drunker by the end.

Until we went to our third stop, Dahlia’s, where they make an absolutely delicious margarita. They also have super crispy complimentary tortilla chips and always have the right amount of salsa (its pretty much magic). Don’t stop at 1 margarita, they’re too good. This experience will probably bring you to peak drunkenness for the day. At least it did for us, and turned out to be everyone’s favourite day of the trip!

Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer

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There’s our 3L of beer!

How To: Completely Suck At Blogging

by Shannon

Just stop doing it. It’s that easy!

You know what isn’t easy? Blogging. It’s such a pain in the ass sometimes.

When things are great, I’m sure as hell not interested in wasting time on the internet.

When things are shitty, I’m sure as hell not interested in reading my own whiny stuff, I’d rather just get kind of drunk and spend several hours on Buzzfeed.

Anyways. We’re back, baby. Maybe? Hopefully.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. And also makes you forget you have a blog.

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