Obsessively watch the baby monitor to make sure he’s ok and miss him terribly.
Every breath you take I’ll be watching you through the baby monitor until it runs out of batteries.
Realize that you have managed to handcuff yourself to having to be home all day, and can no longer enjoy those expensive chai tea lattes you were justifying buying because you needed to buy something at that coffee shop.
How did I escape? With difficulty. How did I plan this moment? With pleasure, and a messy top-knot.
Watch what my son touches with his hands daily (dirty diapers, the floor, grass, dirt, restaurant counter tops, etc.), then watch him put his hands in his mouth, then watch him put his mouth on my boob.
That is the only time I’m okay with you being grossed out by my breastfeeding in public, because honestly, I’m a little grossed out myself.
Fed is best, but so is not wondering about the germs your body is now covered in.
Should I have déjà-vu from all these Instagram posts?
Or wait… can I just see the future now? Did the doctors use some kind of new material for my c-section stitches and now I’m… am I a superhero?
Oh. Wait.
I just already saw these posts at 3 a.m. when I was breastfeeding.
Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, it’s possibly my own fault because I wasn’t really paying attention the first time.
Hot tip for all the new moms out there: don’t collect all the hair you lose in the shower each day just to see how much you lose in a week. It will not be pleasant.
Hair, there, and everywhere.
Just observe the insane amount of hair you’re pulling out in clumps, as you’re 15 weeks post-partum. Ha, you thought the hair loss stories were just jokes, but it turns out your friends are legit, and you are now balding.
Now, go apologize to them and buy yourself a steak (get that iron, girl).
Hair today, gone tomorrow.
First off – and this is key – ensure your infant son hasn’t pooped in five days.
Five.
Days.
Then just head to a wedding, letting your offspring, with his tiny baby ears, overhear you say that your shirt could really use a solid dry clean.
He will immediately lose his shit (literally) over your friend’s karaoke tribute of Still Dre, and unleash five days of poo out of his butt.
He’s so sweet.
Representin’ for the gangsters all across the world, because they were tied up and couldn’t be with us here today.
Stay in a hotel. We guarantee there won’t be a fan in the bathroom, because why would you want a fan in a bathroom when the person you’re staying with is ten feet away and maybe you have to poo, or they have to poo, or someone pukes because they’re hungover or maybe you just don’t want them to hear your amazing shower rendition of Macy Gray’s I Try.
Friend, lover, or grandparent, we guarantee, this will accelerate your relationship by 15 years.
I try to say goodbye and I choke, I try to walk away but I stumble because you left your shoes in the doorway yet again.
Easy, son.
Just change your kid’s diaper during a video conference with nine other people, and get just a little too cocky, and have him pee all over you.
Life showers us with happiness. Also, sometimes, with urine.
I cannot rave enough about the fitness app My Fitness Pal by Under Armour. I have never had such an easy experience losing weight, to the point where I have accidentally lost beyond my original goal. To my surprise and delight, I am currently three pounds less than my original goal!
The key aspects I have found most helpful are:
1. It has taught me about the underlying habits in reaching the goals as opposed to just the goal itself.
2. It is much, much easier to get back into a routine with this app after holidays/trips etc that make it so hard to get back in the swing of things.
3. The numbers. Seeing the numbers in front of my face are all I need. Seeing I only have 100 calories left means I only eat 100 more calories for a bedtime snack and then I know I am done.
4. I exercise more because I want to eat more… And that’s good for all parts of the body.
Guys, if you need to, try it. Give it a few days to make it a habit because it does take time to enter your info but is very, very worth it.
The Average Girl's "How To" Guide 