The Average Girl's "How To" Guide

Advice on how to live a well-balanced lifestyle

Tag: Husband

How To: Annoy Your Husband, Part 2

by Shannon

When you return from a 4-day work trip, just leave your suitcase out on the floor in the living room for a few days.

Bonus if there are still clothes in it you haven’t put away, and your condo is only 640 square feet!

Advertisements

What’s Yo’ Beef, #11

by Rachel

Rachel

My beef today is about people who snore. It might be the most annoying sound in my world. Even if I’m not trying to sleep and someone is snoring near me I want to rip out my earballs. I feel terrible because obviously they aren’t out to annoy me and can’t help it… Buy my goodness. It is partially my fault. If we go back a beef or two I talked about staying up too late. My husband gets to bed before me and by the time I’m ready he is soundly snoring away, whereas if I went to bed early like him I can get to sleep before it starts and stay asleep. But still, snoring, COME ON!

Shannon

Beefs. Everyone’s got ’em. Today, mine is indecisiveness, and for the first time in awhile, this beef is about me, not other people.

Usually I’m pretty good at just making my decisions and sticking with them, but this past weekend has just been a mess in that regard. My husband is going to Kingston, where we went to university, to celebrate Halloween with a friend we have doing his Ph.D there. I was originally planning on going, until I realized that this would make an entire month of not being home on the weekends, and I just caved and opted to stay home and work and sleep instead. But then he started going on about this party, and it sounded great, and I’ve just flip-flopped about 30 times. It’s brutal.

How To: Fall In Love With Your Husband All Over Again

by Shannon

He sends you an email and the first line is, “We should learn some more duets for karaoke.”

I HAVE NEVER LOVED YOU MORE.

 

Forget ya haters, ‘cus somebody loves ya. – Miley Cyrus

How To: Have A Lovely Weekend

by Shannon

I hate to say it, but for this week’s post, step one is having your husband go away for the weekend, like on an annual sports trip with his Dad, or moose hunting or something.

Then, hang out with friends Friday night – maybe at a special Shabbat Shalom Birthday Dinner? Make sure you ask them to print out the Kiddish words, so you can sing along. It’s really fun, educational, and challah bread is so damn delicious.

Proceed to do some cleaning on Saturday, watch the end of Girls, season two, go shopping and buy some stuff, and then make yourself a fabulous dinner and have all the snacks you want.

Have a wonderful sleep with all the blankets because there’s no one telling you the comforter makes him “too hot” in September, and sleep with all the blinds open to take advantage of your amazing Toronto view and glass walls, because it won’t wake you up, because you have your eye mask on that you have to sleep with because your optometrist says you sleep with your eyes a little bit open and dust and shit fly in there at night. When you wake up, it will be glorious.

Sure, you have to do work the next day, but just work it baby, work it. You deserve this special, special weekend.

How To: Realize Your Husband Is Not Your Friend

by Shannon

You tell him that the reason you couldnt wait until he left the house Friday night was because you wanted to Google the lyrics to Gorillaz “Clint Eastwood” and rap along, and he just laughs at you, then laughs even harder when you tell him you did it six times.

A real friend would understand, and offer to do the chorus with you, am I right?

I got sunshine in a bag

How To: Have A Great International Flight

by Shannon

First of all, make sure you’re traveling to an awesome city, like Amsterdam. It’ll make everything seem better.

Then, get to the airport the required 2-3 hours early for your flight, because you kind of like hanging out in airports – there’s so much to do! Try not to be disappointed though when the computers at check-in break down, and you spend that entire time waiting in line. And don’t get too freaked out (re: super pissed) when you’re still waiting in the check-in line past the time they close your gate. And just keep holding on to those warm, fuzzy feelings when you realize that for whatever reason, they’re not seating people together, and you and your husband are sitting in non-beside-each-other seats for your, you know, honeymoon and all.

Proceed to race to the gate and basically just walk right on to the plane. This is where it really starts getting good.

You and your dude are waiting to see who’s seatmate will be willing to switch. Turns out, it’s the guy next to him. Which means – exit row! Extra leg room! Closer to the front of the plane! Only one couple in front of you! This is great news.

Next on the docket for your great flight? Why, it’s free beer, of course, because this is a long flight, and they need to really ply people to get them to chill the hell out. And, you brought your Lime Flavoured Tostitos on the flight, so that’s cool. Proceed to watch Goodfellas, and then read Twilight on your new Kobo, and you don’t care who knows it.

Oh, and don’t forget to get some sleep on your red eye flight. The complementary eye mask, pair of socks, and ear plugs ought to help!

Land in Amsterdam, safe and sound. Done and done.

I’m pimpin’ all over the world – Ludacris

What’s Yo’ Beef Friday #1

by Shannon

Hey friends. You might have noticed that this is the first post to shake off the “How To” theme. And well, that’s because ain’t nobody gotta tell you how to share yo’ beef.

What’s Yo’ Beef came about one morning after Rachel and her husband came up to stay. When Liam, my husband, gets super hungover, he somehow goes into robo-hilarity mode and is manic and silly and annoying to everyone else with headaches and puke vibes. However, it’s really funny. Anyway, that morning we were all complainy except for him, so he kept asking us all what our beefs were, and we all had to share them whenever he pointed at us. It was more fun than it should have been. So, in light of this great moment in history, we introduce you to…

WHAT’S YO’ BEEF FRIDAY.

Shannon:

My beef, is when you’re trying to buy a house in downtown Toronto, and you want it really big, and really nice, and lots of bedrooms, and parking for your friends, and a yard, and a finished basement, and a nice kitchen, and maybe a third floor, and not in Mimico, and other people keep outbidding you and you don’t have a house. COME ON!

Rachel:

When you get a revenue report that isn’t accurate, so you try to simply straighten it out with the boss, and it turns into a day long of emails between multiple administrative people and just becomes entirely more complicated than it should have been in the first place. COME ON!

So, what’s yo’ beef?

 

How To: Make Schnitzel (Kind Of)

by Shannon

The other night I was at my brother-in-law’s, and his German girlfriend made us schnitzel for dinner. I point out that she’s German because I feel, in a somewhat racisty sort of way I guess? that this makes her an expert on making schnitzel. It’s cool though, we’re friends.

It being 9:30 p.m. and having not yet had dinner after donating blood, my hungry husband decided that this was the perfect time for me to make it. Well wasn’t that nice of him.

This was my attempt:

Step One: Assemble all ingredients so it looks like I’m on a cooking show. It’s very impractical, but Ooh, look at my fancy spice jars that are old sauce jars! Aah, look at my eggs all pre-cracked! The chocolate milk wasn’t part of the recipe, I just really like chocolate milk and was thirsty. Bonus! It’s on sale at Metro for only $1.

Step Two: Shake out a bunch of bread crumbs onto a little plate, along with some parmesan and, I don’t know, oregano? The green spice in your cupboard will do nicely. Mix some eggs in a bowl. Drink some chocolate milk.

Step Three: Take your pork and cover it with the egg, then lay it on the crumb plate. Flip ‘er over and throw it in a pan with oil. Oh yeah, and put oil in a pan and heat it up.

Step Four: Just watch it cook, flip it, and eat it when it’s at that perfect, ‘tender-but-won’t-give-you-food-poisoning’ level.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

How To: Get Really Mad At Your Husband

by Shannon

Have a dream where he stole your engagement ring and made a nose-ring out of it, and then stole your actual nose-ring too.

What a jerk.

How To: Pack For A Weekend Getaway

by Shannon

Seriously, I would love some advice.

Headed to Boston this weekend with OMGmYHuSbAnD!LOVE4EVER and I have no idea what to pack.

Here’s what I’m planning on:

  • Seven pairs of underwear. Sometimes you need a thong, and sometimes you need a regular pair, and sometimes you need a pair that doesn’t ride up your butt no matter what
  • Nine shirts. Sometimes I don’t like the ones I already own so I have to try a different one
  • Four bottles of hair product. I have a lot of hair and stuff
  • One pair of pants. Well come on, it’s not like you wash jeans anyway, amiright

Obviously I’m a really good traveller.

The road goes ever on and on, and I didn’t bring enough to wear

%d bloggers like this: