The Average Girl's "How To" Guide

Advice on how to live a well-balanced lifestyle

Category: Being Dumb

How To: Regret Your Child’s Nap Schedule

by Shannon

Realize that you have managed to handcuff yourself to having to be home all day, and can no longer enjoy those expensive chai tea lattes you were justifying buying because you needed to buy something at that coffee shop.

How did I escape? With difficulty. How did I plan this moment? With pleasure, and a messy top-knot.

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How To: Be Grossed Out By Breastfeeding In Public

by Shannon

Watch what my son touches with his hands daily (dirty diapers, the floor, grass, dirt, restaurant counter tops, etc.), then watch him put his hands in his mouth, then watch him put his mouth on my boob.

That is the only time I’m okay with you being grossed out by my breastfeeding in public, because honestly, I’m a little grossed out myself.

Fed is best, but so is not wondering about the germs your body is now covered in.

How To: Question Your Sanity

by Shannon

Should I have déjà-vu from all these Instagram posts?

Or wait… can I just see the future now? Did the doctors use some kind of new material for my c-section stitches and now I’m… am I a superhero?

Oh. Wait.

I just already saw these posts at 3 a.m. when I was breastfeeding.

Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, it’s possibly my own fault because I wasn’t really paying attention the first time.

How To: Motivate Yourself To Take A Shower

by Shannon

Easy, son.

Just change your kid’s diaper during a video conference with nine other people, and get just a little too cocky, and have him pee all over you.

Life showers us with happiness. Also, sometimes, with urine.

How To: Tell If You’ve Got Tonsillitis

by Shannon

Oh God, can someone please tell me? Is it tonsillitis? Is it strep? It’s strep, isn’t it.

“Laughter is the best medicine. The second best medicine is medicine.”

How To: Take Things To The Next Level

by Shannon

Fake mustaches, man. They work for pretty much everything.

Example: Last night I was set to play a pretty intense game of Diplomacy, which is basically Risk, but with a 100 per cent greater chance of ruining friendships.

Now, the game on its own would already be fun. But you know what made it more fun?

Fake mustaches.

Not only will you look pretty sexy, but you will definitely weed out which of your friends are cool, and which ones refuse to put on a fake mustache. (Which means you should borrow money from them, and then immediately stop being their friend.)

I will say, as a woman, when you put a mustache on, you find out a lot of things about yourself. – Carrie Brownstein

How To: Feel Uncomfortable

by Rachel

Watching early Harry Potter movies makes me feel uncomfortable because I am so attracted to Daniel Radcliffe now.

We’re baaaaaaaaack!

How To: Feel Like A Real Human Being (Finally)

by Shannon

This summer was the summer of being selfish. I did what I want, when I wanted to, and I did it with ease. Before you condemn me, however, it was selfish in a good way, a healthy way.

I met my now-husband in first year university, and after graduating, I went right into more school, and then an internship, and then a job. I’ve always been responsible in that sense. And it’s really boring.

So this summer, I said eff this shiz and explored. I went to New York with my best friend – multiple times. I went on a road trip to the middle of nowhere, I went to concerts, I didn’t clean my apartment, and I let my hair get really tangly. It felt amazing. And part of me really wishes I could live like that forever.

But my plants kind of started dying this summer. I never did iron that shirt I really like, it’s still sitting in the spare room, waiting for me. I didn’t buy new headphones like I wanted, and I just basically didn’t get a lot done.

This past week, I’ve been a grown-up. I’m cleaning, I’m spending more time working, and I went for a (very, very short) run this morning. And that feels good too.

Finding that balance between being a responsible adult, and someone who does not suck is really hard. And there will still be days when I blow caution to the wind and hop on a plane somewhere, or I just decide to be a huge lazy bum and do dick-all. But hopefully I can balance that with getting my shit done as well. So the better I work at that… you know… the better.

How To: Avoid Dating

by Shannon

If there’s one thing I’ve noticed lately, in an overarching general and unscientific sense, it’s that single guys are basically women.

Now, when I say “women,” I mean in all the stereotypical senses of the word, so don’t go getting all offended on me ladies, because this is the internet, and I can be sarcastic if I want.

These guys – I swear, they’re having their periods every single day. They’re whining, they’re moody, they’re angsty, they’re happy and fun one minute, and shooting you mad side-eye the next, sending you texts that you can’t figure out if they hate you or if they’re just upset that even their fat jeans are a bit snug.

Come on, guys. No wonder you’re single! You’re acting like women. So even if you do get a girlfriend, she’s probably a lesbian, and she’s attracted to you because you like the same flavour of Ben and Jerry’s and share the same moisturizer.

Shape up, men. Go chop down a tree or something, and come home all sweaty. And stop crying, for the love of pete.

(That’s my job, and it’s because I was thinking about how sad the song lyrics are in Tiny Dancer and then I realized that no matter what, I’ll never be a dancer now.)

I’m looking for a hard-headed woman. I mean, man.

How To: Completely Suck At Blogging

by Shannon

Just stop doing it. It’s that easy!

You know what isn’t easy? Blogging. It’s such a pain in the ass sometimes.

When things are great, I’m sure as hell not interested in wasting time on the internet.

When things are shitty, I’m sure as hell not interested in reading my own whiny stuff, I’d rather just get kind of drunk and spend several hours on Buzzfeed.

Anyways. We’re back, baby. Maybe? Hopefully.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. And also makes you forget you have a blog.

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