The Average Girl's "How To" Guide

Advice on how to live a well-balanced lifestyle

Category: Being Grown-Up

How To: Find Trust In Your Friends

by Shannon

Just observe the insane amount of hair you’re pulling out in clumps, as you’re 15 weeks post-partum. Ha, you thought the hair loss stories were just jokes, but it turns out your friends are legit, and you are now balding.

Now, go apologize to them and buy yourself a steak (get that iron, girl).

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

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How To: Dry Clean Your Clothes

by Shannon

First off – and this is key – ensure your infant son hasn’t pooped in five days.

Five.

Days.

Then just head to a wedding, letting your offspring, with his tiny baby ears, overhear you say that your shirt could really use a solid dry clean.

He will immediately lose his shit (literally) over your friend’s karaoke tribute of Still Dre, and unleash five days of poo out of his butt.

He’s so sweet.

Representin’ for the gangsters all across the world, because they were tied up and couldn’t be with us here today.

How To: Really Test Your Relationship

by Shannon

Stay in a hotel. We guarantee there won’t be a fan in the bathroom, because why would you want a fan in a bathroom when the person you’re staying with is ten feet away and maybe you have to poo, or they have to poo, or someone pukes because they’re hungover or maybe you just don’t want them to hear your amazing shower rendition of Macy Gray’s I Try.

Friend, lover, or grandparent, we guarantee, this will accelerate your relationship by 15 years.

I try to say goodbye and I choke, I try to walk away but I stumble because you left your shoes in the doorway yet again.

How To: Motivate Yourself To Take A Shower

by Shannon

Easy, son.

Just change your kid’s diaper during a video conference with nine other people, and get just a little too cocky, and have him pee all over you.

Life showers us with happiness. Also, sometimes, with urine.

How To: Be Happy AF

by Rachel

First things first, my apologies for my extensive hiatus from this blog. I really have no excuse other than just being a bit miserable… Which delightfully segues into my post today. How to be happy as f*ck!
It’s been a tough couple of years. I was in a crap relationship and felt sad and hopeless a lot of the time. Why? Because I worried too much about literally everyone else but myself. If you’re in a crap situation you have three choices:

1. Stay in it and be miserable. Not ideal.
2. Accept it and become indifferent.
3. Change it for the better and be HAPPY as F*CK!!!

I chose three. I stopped worrying about how bad it would hurt the other person and started thinking how bad it was hurting me by staying. I stopped worrying about how upset my family would be because they loved him so much and thought, I’m with me everyday and I am unhappy, I’m with my family a small fraction of the time and if they can’t handle it well, I don’t have to deal with it nearly as much as I have to deal with myself. The second part of that is never underestimate how much your family loves you (if you have a good one!). Mine ended up being very supportive and totally chill about it. I worried about money, and being on my own, I worried about his traditional family and how they would treat him… It was a non stop crap storm of worry.
Until one day, the ball started rolling. The conversation was had. The relationship was ending and a ray of sunshine burst through the clouds of crap. It was instantaneous from hopeless worrying to looking forward to the future.
So the moral of this blog post is do what you want, do what you NEED, to do to be happy. Because life sucks when you aren’t.

How To: Tell If You’ve Got Tonsillitis

by Shannon

Oh God, can someone please tell me? Is it tonsillitis? Is it strep? It’s strep, isn’t it.

“Laughter is the best medicine. The second best medicine is medicine.”

How To: Blow Your Own Mind

by Shannon

Guys – this is a bit of a serious one here. So go have yourself a wild dance party, crank up the Wiz Khalifa, and come back all sweaty and euphoric.

Here’s my morning thought, that hit me as I was scrolling through my phone, deleting weird old pictures I took of my Kobo when I was reading that book 50 Cent wrote.

Do you ever just stop and think Holy Shiz, I have done so much cool stuff in my life, I can’t believe that I really got to do all this dope-ass stuff.

This is what I was thinking about. I mean, even on my phone, which I’ve only had for about six months, I was blown away by all the adventures it held memories of. Matt and Kim shows x 2 (otherwise known as just non-stop face-hurting goodness), traveling to New York with my bestie, painting my stomach, painting my face, Slumber Parties, denim vests, shot-gunning beers on my roof. And that was only like, two photos.

So here’s where I’m heading. Man, sometimes you just gotta really appreciate all the awesomeness you’ve been responsible for creating. Think of all the cool people that have come into your life and that you remember with such fondess, and then, when you feel sad, just stand on a chair and be like BUT WAIT A MINUTE. I AM PROBABLY RESPONSIBLE FOR SOMEONE ELSE’S FACE-HURTING SMILE GOODNESS. THAT IS AMAZING.

We are all just tiny little blobs of organs and stuff, but one of those organs is a heart, and baby, you’re in mine.

Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm, or probably also a great dance party.”

How To: Fulfill Your Dreams

by Shannon

Ranging from the time I was a baby, I’ve always wanted to eat cupcakes for breakfast.

And today guys, I did it. I feel great.

I mean, this isn’t the first time I’ve done it, but I believe in achieving your dreams over and over again.

How To: Tell If You’re Having A Women’s Heart Attack

by Shannon

Oh God, can someone please tell me? Pretty sure I’m having like, six of them right now.

How To: Solve The Mystery Of Why Women Live Longer Than Men

by Shannon

Dear Science,
I wanted to send a quick note to let you know that I have solved the mystery of why women live longer than men. I would like you to read this post, an excerpt from my very favourite book/bible (How To Be A Woman, by Caitlin Moran, available on Amazon), and then realize the incredible amount of stress that we women deal with each and every day, being attacked by our own brains as if they were Gremlins and fed after midnight. It is this incredible exposure to psycho-stress that we face daily that has built up an outstanding resistance to most causes of death. For those of you scientists suggesting that men begin self-analyzing to this extent in order to join us in our octogenarian days, I would immediately ask that you stop, because otherwise I will never get to live out my Golden Girls fantasy (I’m Dorothy, obviously), and I am really looking forward to it.
Yours in science,
Shannon

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