The Average Girl's "How To" Guide

Advice on how to live a well-balanced lifestyle

Category: Being A Parent

How To: Celebrate Your Baby’s First Night Going To Bed Early

by Shannon

Obsessively watch the baby monitor to make sure he’s ok and miss him terribly.

Every breath you take I’ll be watching you through the baby monitor until it runs out of batteries.

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How To: Regret Your Child’s Nap Schedule

by Shannon

Realize that you have managed to handcuff yourself to having to be home all day, and can no longer enjoy those expensive chai tea lattes you were justifying buying because you needed to buy something at that coffee shop.

How did I escape? With difficulty. How did I plan this moment? With pleasure, and a messy top-knot.

How To: Be Grossed Out By Breastfeeding In Public

by Shannon

Watch what my son touches with his hands daily (dirty diapers, the floor, grass, dirt, restaurant counter tops, etc.), then watch him put his hands in his mouth, then watch him put his mouth on my boob.

That is the only time I’m okay with you being grossed out by my breastfeeding in public, because honestly, I’m a little grossed out myself.

Fed is best, but so is not wondering about the germs your body is now covered in.

How To: Question Your Sanity

by Shannon

Should I have déjà-vu from all these Instagram posts?

Or wait… can I just see the future now? Did the doctors use some kind of new material for my c-section stitches and now I’m… am I a superhero?

Oh. Wait.

I just already saw these posts at 3 a.m. when I was breastfeeding.

Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, it’s possibly my own fault because I wasn’t really paying attention the first time.

How To: Gross Yourself Out

by Shannon

Hot tip for all the new moms out there: don’t collect all the hair you lose in the shower each day just to see how much you lose in a week. It will not be pleasant.

Hair, there, and everywhere.

How To: Find Trust In Your Friends

by Shannon

Just observe the insane amount of hair you’re pulling out in clumps, as you’re 15 weeks post-partum. Ha, you thought the hair loss stories were just jokes, but it turns out your friends are legit, and you are now balding.

Now, go apologize to them and buy yourself a steak (get that iron, girl).

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

How To: Dry Clean Your Clothes

by Shannon

First off – and this is key – ensure your infant son hasn’t pooped in five days.

Five.

Days.

Then just head to a wedding, letting your offspring, with his tiny baby ears, overhear you say that your shirt could really use a solid dry clean.

He will immediately lose his shit (literally) over your friend’s karaoke tribute of Still Dre, and unleash five days of poo out of his butt.

He’s so sweet.

Representin’ for the gangsters all across the world, because they were tied up and couldn’t be with us here today.

How To: Motivate Yourself To Take A Shower

by Shannon

Easy, son.

Just change your kid’s diaper during a video conference with nine other people, and get just a little too cocky, and have him pee all over you.

Life showers us with happiness. Also, sometimes, with urine.

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