The Average Girl's "How To" Guide

Advice on how to live a well-balanced lifestyle

Category: Being Observant

How To: Celebrate Your Baby’s First Night Going To Bed Early

by Shannon

Obsessively watch the baby monitor to make sure he’s ok and miss him terribly.

Every breath you take I’ll be watching you through the baby monitor until it runs out of batteries.

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How To: Be Grossed Out By Breastfeeding In Public

by Shannon

Watch what my son touches with his hands daily (dirty diapers, the floor, grass, dirt, restaurant counter tops, etc.), then watch him put his hands in his mouth, then watch him put his mouth on my boob.

That is the only time I’m okay with you being grossed out by my breastfeeding in public, because honestly, I’m a little grossed out myself.

Fed is best, but so is not wondering about the germs your body is now covered in.

How To: Question Your Sanity

by Shannon

Should I have déjà-vu from all these Instagram posts?

Or wait… can I just see the future now? Did the doctors use some kind of new material for my c-section stitches and now I’m… am I a superhero?

Oh. Wait.

I just already saw these posts at 3 a.m. when I was breastfeeding.

Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, it’s possibly my own fault because I wasn’t really paying attention the first time.

How To: Gross Yourself Out

by Shannon

Hot tip for all the new moms out there: don’t collect all the hair you lose in the shower each day just to see how much you lose in a week. It will not be pleasant.

Hair, there, and everywhere.

How To: Really Test Your Relationship

by Shannon

Stay in a hotel. We guarantee there won’t be a fan in the bathroom, because why would you want a fan in a bathroom when the person you’re staying with is ten feet away and maybe you have to poo, or they have to poo, or someone pukes because they’re hungover or maybe you just don’t want them to hear your amazing shower rendition of Macy Gray’s I Try.

Friend, lover, or grandparent, we guarantee, this will accelerate your relationship by 15 years.

I try to say goodbye and I choke, I try to walk away but I stumble because you left your shoes in the doorway yet again.

How To: Blow Your Own Mind

by Shannon

Guys – this is a bit of a serious one here. So go have yourself a wild dance party, crank up the Wiz Khalifa, and come back all sweaty and euphoric.

Here’s my morning thought, that hit me as I was scrolling through my phone, deleting weird old pictures I took of my Kobo when I was reading that book 50 Cent wrote.

Do you ever just stop and think Holy Shiz, I have done so much cool stuff in my life, I can’t believe that I really got to do all this dope-ass stuff.

This is what I was thinking about. I mean, even on my phone, which I’ve only had for about six months, I was blown away by all the adventures it held memories of. Matt and Kim shows x 2 (otherwise known as just non-stop face-hurting goodness), traveling to New York with my bestie, painting my stomach, painting my face, Slumber Parties, denim vests, shot-gunning beers on my roof. And that was only like, two photos.

So here’s where I’m heading. Man, sometimes you just gotta really appreciate all the awesomeness you’ve been responsible for creating. Think of all the cool people that have come into your life and that you remember with such fondess, and then, when you feel sad, just stand on a chair and be like BUT WAIT A MINUTE. I AM PROBABLY RESPONSIBLE FOR SOMEONE ELSE’S FACE-HURTING SMILE GOODNESS. THAT IS AMAZING.

We are all just tiny little blobs of organs and stuff, but one of those organs is a heart, and baby, you’re in mine.

Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm, or probably also a great dance party.”

How To: Solve The Mystery Of Why Women Live Longer Than Men

by Shannon

Dear Science,
I wanted to send a quick note to let you know that I have solved the mystery of why women live longer than men. I would like you to read this post, an excerpt from my very favourite book/bible (How To Be A Woman, by Caitlin Moran, available on Amazon), and then realize the incredible amount of stress that we women deal with each and every day, being attacked by our own brains as if they were Gremlins and fed after midnight. It is this incredible exposure to psycho-stress that we face daily that has built up an outstanding resistance to most causes of death. For those of you scientists suggesting that men begin self-analyzing to this extent in order to join us in our octogenarian days, I would immediately ask that you stop, because otherwise I will never get to live out my Golden Girls fantasy (I’m Dorothy, obviously), and I am really looking forward to it.
Yours in science,
Shannon

How To: Mention Fart Jokes In Mainstream Media

by Shannon

Just slyly add them in to your latest Huffington Post piece on happiness. They’ll never know.

(Also hey guys click on that link, that’s where the fart jokes are, okay?)

How To: Feel Okay About Being Selfish

by Shannon

I have a lot of thoughts on selfishness. Mostly, I feel that it’s important, and can help you feel good about yourself. It’s not the easiest topic to talk about without sounding like a bit of a dick, but hey, isn’t that what the internet is for?

Ready more about it on Huffington Post, who just published my latest blog on it here.

How To: Start A Revolution

by Shannon

Guys – here’s what you do. You just meet a dude at a bar who has an Idea Blog, and then you just come up with brilliant ideas.

Here’s my latest one, all about a brilliant little idea call a 2 honk horn.

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