How To: Make Schnitzel (Kind Of)

by Shannon

The other night I was at my brother-in-law’s, and his German girlfriend made us schnitzel for dinner. I point out that she’s German because I feel, in a somewhat racisty sort of way I guess? that this makes her an expert on making schnitzel. It’s cool though, we’re friends.

It being 9:30 p.m. and having not yet had dinner after donating blood, my hungry husband decided that this was the perfect time for me to make it. Well wasn’t that nice of him.

This was my attempt:

Step One: Assemble all ingredients so it looks like I’m on a cooking show. It’s very impractical, but Ooh, look at my fancy spice jars that are old sauce jars! Aah, look at my eggs all pre-cracked! The chocolate milk wasn’t part of the recipe, I just really like chocolate milk and was thirsty. Bonus! It’s on sale at Metro for only $1.

Step Two: Shake out a bunch of bread crumbs onto a little plate, along with some parmesan and, I don’t know, oregano? The green spice in your cupboard will do nicely. Mix some eggs in a bowl. Drink some chocolate milk.

Step Three: Take your pork and cover it with the egg, then lay it on the crumb plate. Flip ‘er over and throw it in a pan with oil. Oh yeah, and put oil in a pan and heat it up.

Step Four: Just watch it cook, flip it, and eat it when it’s at that perfect, ‘tender-but-won’t-give-you-food-poisoning’ level.

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