The Average Girl's "How To" Guide

Advice on how to live a well-balanced lifestyle

Tag: Pregnant

How To: Feel Like A Million Pounds

by Shannon

Feel incredibly sick all day and subsist on only Premium Plus crackers and water, but force yourself to go to dinner at the Old Spaghetti Factory because it’s the last time you’ll see some friends before they pop out another human being.

Have a great time, and of course you’ll have another beer just because everyone else is having one too.

Proceed to feel as insanely huge as your 9 months pregnant friend is. Mission accomplished, fatty.


How To: Determine If You’re Pregnant

by Shannon

First, tell your landlord that you nearly passed out taking back empty wine bottles to the Beer Store. When he questions if it’s because you’re pregnant, become extremely worried, but brush it off.

Later, realize that a more likely reason is because you donated blood yesterday and are supposed to avoid heavy lifting, heat, and the beer you had last night with dinner.

That’s probably the real reason. Probably.

How To: Get A Seat On The Subway

by Shannon

Eat a lot of sushi at lunch, then go for a ride. People will assume your bulging stomach means you’re pregnant, and give up their seat for you.

Hold your stomach and look half nauseous, half glowing for more immediate action.

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