The Average Girl's "How To" Guide

Advice on how to live a well-balanced lifestyle

Tag: men

How To: Solve The Mystery Of Why Women Live Longer Than Men

by Shannon

Dear Science,
I wanted to send a quick note to let you know that I have solved the mystery of why women live longer than men. I would like you to read this post, an excerpt from my very favourite book/bible (How To Be A Woman, by Caitlin Moran, available on Amazon), and then realize the incredible amount of stress that we women deal with each and every day, being attacked by our own brains as if they were Gremlins and fed after midnight. It is this incredible exposure to psycho-stress that we face daily that has built up an outstanding resistance to most causes of death. For those of you scientists suggesting that men begin self-analyzing to this extent in order to join us in our octogenarian days, I would immediately ask that you stop, because otherwise I will never get to live out my Golden Girls fantasy (I’m Dorothy, obviously), and I am really looking forward to it.
Yours in science,
Shannon

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How To: Avoid Dating

by Shannon

If there’s one thing I’ve noticed lately, in an overarching general and unscientific sense, it’s that single guys are basically women.

Now, when I say “women,” I mean in all the stereotypical senses of the word, so don’t go getting all offended on me ladies, because this is the internet, and I can be sarcastic if I want.

These guys – I swear, they’re having their periods every single day. They’re whining, they’re moody, they’re angsty, they’re happy and fun one minute, and shooting you mad side-eye the next, sending you texts that you can’t figure out if they hate you or if they’re just upset that even their fat jeans are a bit snug.

Come on, guys. No wonder you’re single! You’re acting like women. So even if you do get a girlfriend, she’s probably a lesbian, and she’s attracted to you because you like the same flavour of Ben and Jerry’s and share the same moisturizer.

Shape up, men. Go chop down a tree or something, and come home all sweaty. And stop crying, for the love of pete.

(That’s my job, and it’s because I was thinking about how sad the song lyrics are in Tiny Dancer and then I realized that no matter what, I’ll never be a dancer now.)

I’m looking for a hard-headed woman. I mean, man.

What’s Yo’ Beef #14

by Shannon

Shannon

Guys, first off, let me just say how much I’m really enjoying getting all these beefs off my back. I feel like I’m living pretty close to the edge of full-blown freak outs, like, all the time, so I really think this has been an effective coping mechanism for my life.

Back to my beef. This week’s beef is dedicated to physical activity. I joined a (flag) football league with my work, and man, I’m just dying. I can’t lift my legs, I feel like 400 pounds, and my entire body aches. Come on, Body, I’m trying to do something awesome for you! The least you could do is not respond like I’m punishing you. Can’t we help each other out here? The second-day-after body aches after working out, I say to you: suck it.

Rachel

I have a bit of an observational beef today. Its nothing that outwardly bothers me, or frustrates me, or affects me physically, just something I see that gives me a weird feeling. I don’t mean to offend anyone, but what’s the deal with men driving minivans? I see it, and it just looks so unnatural to me and slightly emasculating. It might be because I don’t like minivans to begin with, or that I hang out with a lot of manly men who own large trucks… Probably both. But man, convenience aside, it just weirds me out.

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