The Average Girl's "How To" Guide

Advice on how to live a well-balanced lifestyle

Month: November, 2013

How To: Realize How Pathetic You Are

by Shannon

Be unable to run an entire week after playing sports. Seriously, how out of shape are you, Body? A two-step sprint has rendered you utterly useless and embarrassed.

The only solution? A nice pint of Sam Adams before bed to drown your sorrows in.

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How To: Get a Great Night’s Sleep

by Rachel

Come on over to mine and sleep in the spare bedroom. I don’t know what it is about this room, some kind of magic probably, but everyone who sleeps in there says the same thing. If only I could always sleep in there, but husband might start getting offended.

How To: Be A Very Bad Wifey

by Shannon

Give a guy your actual phone number in exchange for a bite of his churro on a Saturday night.

How To: Feel Embarrassed About Yourself

by Shannon

Come up with an invention that automatically records any phone calls you make after 9:30 p.m. on a Friday or Saturday night, and then listen to them again the next morning.

How To: Pick Up Chicks

by Shannon

Bring yourself and your long hair to a karaoke bar on a Saturday night, where the DJ is not taking any shit, and just blasting people for not making quick decisions on their songs, or requesting Spanish love songs, which he clearly doesn’t have.

After someone small with curly hair that has just the right amount of bounceability that night has done a satisfactory rendition of Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne, get up on that mike and tell the entire bar that you think she’s really attractive and you would like to take her out sometime.

Chicks totally dig it.

What’s Yo’ Beef #14

by Shannon

Shannon

Guys, first off, let me just say how much I’m really enjoying getting all these beefs off my back. I feel like I’m living pretty close to the edge of full-blown freak outs, like, all the time, so I really think this has been an effective coping mechanism for my life.

Back to my beef. This week’s beef is dedicated to physical activity. I joined a (flag) football league with my work, and man, I’m just dying. I can’t lift my legs, I feel like 400 pounds, and my entire body aches. Come on, Body, I’m trying to do something awesome for you! The least you could do is not respond like I’m punishing you. Can’t we help each other out here? The second-day-after body aches after working out, I say to you: suck it.

Rachel

I have a bit of an observational beef today. Its nothing that outwardly bothers me, or frustrates me, or affects me physically, just something I see that gives me a weird feeling. I don’t mean to offend anyone, but what’s the deal with men driving minivans? I see it, and it just looks so unnatural to me and slightly emasculating. It might be because I don’t like minivans to begin with, or that I hang out with a lot of manly men who own large trucks… Probably both. But man, convenience aside, it just weirds me out.

How To: Feel Like You Just Won 50 Bucks

by Rachel

Accidentally overpay your MasterCard (I don’t even know how that happens, ever) and realize you have credit! You thought that money was gone anyways and have been doing fine without it, so even though it isn’t, it feels like free money. I am totally going shopping today.

Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems

How To: Make Old Shoes Feel New Again

by Rachel

Glitter!
I am a terrible DIY’er in the sense that I ALWAYS forget to take a before picture.
Imagine a pair of gold metallic heels. They were great the first time I wore them, still good for going to the bar, but have since gotten so scuffed up I didn’t like to wear them anymore. So, I bedazzled with a bit of glue, glitter and glaze: the 3 gl’s.
Step 1: Use a paint brush to spread your glue
Step 2: Pour copious amounts of glitter on. Make sure you have a large piece of paper or magazine under so its easy cleanup. Lightly tap stray glitter so it sticks.
Step 3: Get a brush on glaze to put a shiny coat over top and to help prevent a glitter trail everywhere you go.

Just in time for holidays I have some new beautiful glittered heels!

image

Glitter is my favourite colour

How To: Get Prematurely Excited For Christmas

by Shannon

Head down to your basement storage locker to find some gloves for the cold weather, and inadvertently come across a box of Christmas decorations. I mean, it’s like, almost Christmas.

How To: Feel Like A Million Pounds

by Shannon

Feel incredibly sick all day and subsist on only Premium Plus crackers and water, but force yourself to go to dinner at the Old Spaghetti Factory because it’s the last time you’ll see some friends before they pop out another human being.

Have a great time, and of course you’ll have another beer just because everyone else is having one too.

Proceed to feel as insanely huge as your 9 months pregnant friend is. Mission accomplished, fatty.

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